Eliot's Birthday Party

Everyone asks what Eliot wants and I say um um um. And by that I mean well, since you do have more money than I do, I can never buy him a toy, and you're asking what toy he wants right? Well, he likes balls and trucks- since you're asking. But you know what he really wants? He wants a mommie who doesn't flip out all the time, he wants a daddy who doesn't have a million things on his mind, who's not trying to hold down 15 ping pong balls underwater at the same time. He wants people not to pinch his cheeks and pick him up when he's in the middle of something important. He wants people to realize he's a person too and so when he whines he wants you to remember that you whine too, that you throw fits too, that you don't like to be interupted either, that you get over-stimulated by touching and talking too, that you feel uneasy and scared about things too. So if people are going to "Get" something for Eliots Birthday- they should get me a safe amount of wine and pot, a beattles CD, a yoga membership, babysitting time (so she can go for a walk, take a bath, have sex...), a back rub, a nice talk, a smile, a hug, a prayer. They should get Josh a break from being the subdued daddy, they should act like they actually want to be here, they should get him babysitting time (so he can go for a walk, go be a guy, have sex...,) a smile, a hug, a prayer, and especially some tech talk cuz I have no idea what he's talking about but he really likes tech talk. What things really benefit little boys? Plastic? The latest Icon from a disney movie? Fancy gap clothes with footballs on them? Batteries? Maybe he needs things like food and shelter and love. Maybe he doesn't need THINGS. FUCK TOYS

FYI~
I'm really not biching, this is supposed to be a lively and humerous commentary on Birthday's, my habits, little boys, and our consumer culture driven by blood thirsty, deceitful, rich pricks (aka Corporations) I'm actually having a lovely day :)

and i'm not going to spell check this

Glacier

The Glacier
Cuts
Tall mountains
Low valleys
Always taking
As it glides

Taking
Cutting

But the Glacier will melt.

And we will stand together
All holding hands in the wake
Of the river flowing
From the breaking

All that it took will settle
All that it cut will heal

And growth will continue
As the sun shines
On a new serene lake
...

Julius Caesar

Friction
This is repetitive
This month and history
We all check our dairies
The earth thaws beneath us
Memories awaken before we
Remember that flowers will break through
Soon.

?

What is there left to do but love? What else can I do but fully trust in God? I am left with no choice but to return sadness with Joy, to return bitterness with healing, to return war with peace, to return pain with forgiveness, to turn the other cheek.



Today, I was surprised by Joy. As in, yesterday was a bad day and I did the whole crying and praying thing which usually doesn't work for me but I've put myself on this crazy spiritual journey thing and so it must of done something. I woke up today to a beautiful day full of hope and hope and love. I did kind of dip down again towards night but I gave some thought to ups and downs in one's journey. I thought, sure I'm high right now but what does it profit if I know for sure I'll dip down again. And then I realized that that was a wonderful and vital question. Like there should probably be some sort of study on it. So I am studying that. I still feel pretty hopeful right now- even though I might have reason to not be. What happens when I don't feel it? When I'm low and I reflect on my high times how will I be affected? Will I come to a deeper understanding of faith and a "peace that passes understanding".



There are many things that claim to be true but are not true. Knowing truth is NOT in our nature. (right? hmm..) But the absolute truth if and when found is mystical. We are square and it is a spiral. God is omnipresent especially when you don't think he is.



I erased some choice blogs from my bookmarks. Which may have triggered being surprised by joy today. I don't want to be focussed on unhealthy communication. I feel like sometimes blogging was becoming to me what afternoon soap-operas become to others.  My dear family, "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–dwell on these things ...". Life is too important and short.


I have realized the importance and urgency of being vulnerable and transparent. yikes. (i'm not sure where to put this statement in my stream of thoughts right now)



What the fuck am I doing? Its almost four am (although I was asleep before this at some point but everything feels like a time warp) and I have to get up early to go get handmade organic whole wheat sugar covered doughnuts from my friends at their stand in the morning. I have entered the wonderful world of bartering and there is no turning back baby. And then I will be digging in the garden- hopefully its sunny...please stop by.



When Paul was Saul he persecuted Christians. When he was Paul he was a persecuted Christian. He was at peace with this- he didn't fight it. I know exactly what people say and think about me because I used to say and think it too. Lord, help me be at peace with this crazy karma.

Be Here Now con't

"Being means: not numbering and counting, but ripening like a tree, which doesn’t force its sap, and stands confidently in the storms of spring, not afraid that afterward summer may not come. It does come. But it comes only to those who are patient, who are there as if eternity lay before them, so unconcernedly silent and vast."
-Rainer Maria Rilke

Be Here Now

In His presence!

"There are many people who are sincere without being simple: they are ever afraid of being seen for what they are not; they are always musing over their words and thoughts and thinking about what they have done, in fear of having done or said too much. These people are sincere, but they are not simple: they are not at ease with others, and other people are not at ease with them. There is nothing easy about them, nothing free, spontaneous or natural. People who are imperfect, less regular, less masters of themselves, are more lovable. This is how people find them, and it is the same with God."
-François Fénelon

I think this quote spoke to me so much because I have been realizing my need to rest in HIm and be in Him. Sometimes I think I think too much. Sometimes I just need to "be still and know"...