oh the pain of...

Its freaking 1:30 in the morning and I'm still here in awake land. Josh is in Seattle probably being homeless for the night or something. I think I'm too afraid to sleep. I'm considering sleeping with the light on but will brave the darkness so as not to be wasteful. These things are important to me. so there. Leigh is in England thinking she came to Europe for the men. I think she'll have a good time once she gets used to things. Emily seems to be enjoying her party house. I'm glad Lin is in the next room, so he can hear me scream in the night. I locked the outside door when I came in tonight because I knew that Josh and Dale would probably not come home and Lin and Lynne were already here. But I felt too weird about locking it since its never locked and thought I would jinx it if i did. Sometimes I feel like my every thought and action is tainted. Is there hope for me? I guess so. If I should die before I wake, I have no idea what you should say at my funeral- does this mean I'm not ready? I haven't finished Harold and Maude yet. Eliot and Rosa are teaching me many things.
I thought my births were profound (and they were) and then I went to my sister's. Here she was, the little girl that cried and melted her hand on a curling iron and scratched the skin off my hand while throwing a fit- jump forward 15 years- I'm crawling on a hospital bed clutching her still scarred hand in mine, telling her its okay to dig into my skin this time, its okay to yell loud at me and the nurses and the man who wasn't there. Its okay to be afraid and in pain. Here she is in the biggest transition moment in her life and not only do I get to share it but I'm apart of it- moaning with her, breathing with her, birthing with her. wow. And we trade off. She knows I've been there and this gives her courage. I will never forget the look on her face- both during the dark moment of the soul and when they placed him bloody and shaking in her arms.

I have a big life. That cool seattle astrologer told the capricorns to be more creative and loving. That about sums it up.