brace for impact.

Today I'm okay, really. Rosa has been fussy for a few days and drooling- I think, and hope she is teething early and doesn't have some crazy disease I didn't vaccinate for. But i'm doing good today. But for most of my life, i feel like i haven't done ok. I remember being sad, depressed, angry, and afraid for a long time. For really no reason. After rosa was born I was feeling extra special sadness with the sudden rush of children to my head, and began a series of activities (nothing to note) to distract myself. I realized however, that becoming a raging alcoholic, shop-a-holic, movie-a-holic, etc, would not be a good idea. First, i don't I have money for those sorts of things, and second, that would be bad, especially for a mom. When I made the realization there was nothing I could do- I decided to just except it. I sat down in my beautiful window seat and BRACED FOR IMPACT. And suddenly all the anger, sadness, fear, and depression went away! Only they didn't. They in fact crashed over me in waves- but I felt strangely at peace for the first time in a very long time.

I think i'm still out at sea. But there's something delicious about letting the dark waters take you and surrendering yourself to a dangerous, strange, yet somehow loving god. I sail on.

Lummi Mothers Day

Today, on mother's day eve, I had a lovely day strolling and shopping alone with my sweet baby girl. First we took the long way to the public market because I couldn't figure out what to do with such freedom on a sunny day. Then we ate pizza and fresh squeezed juice. Then we started shopping for some moms in my life. Upon approaching Railroad Ave, we saw the usual sights and sounds; prostitutes, gang bangers, crack kids, etc. While looking at some sun-dresses outside of mad-hatter, I noticed someone wanting to see my sweet baby girl. It was of course the usual, stereo-typical person on railroad avenue who wants to see your sweet baby girl, a drunk indian woman. My first instinct was to smile and nod my head and move on. But she persisted and because she seemed so young, I lingered. She wanted me to know that if I really wanted her (my sweet baby girl) to love me than I should look into her eyes when I nurse her. "Trust me" she said, "It works". She had fed many babies their bottles on "cradle boards" while looking in their eyes, and they still love her to this day. This was a magical holy moment, I swear, and everything on Railroad froze and became quiet. I realized that here I was receiving real-live native knowledge that I keep wanting to hear and write about in my Fairhaven papers. And she is looking in to my eyes and telling me to look into her (my sweet baby girl) eyes and I am overwhelmed by the heaviness of her old presence. 200 years ago she would have been walking down Railroad Ave. high on life and camas bulbs with her baby- on her "cradle board" looking straight into her eyes. Well, let me tell you- while I live in Bellingham, I'm gonna be looking straight into my sweet baby girl's eyes.
As the day progresses we found ourselves at the Blackdrop- because they were open, because they have the best coffee in town, and because they have couches that you can lay your sweet baby girl on while you read a book on monastic rules and sip doppios over ice. It was there I discovered a poster that had this website www.bsofcomics.com. And I realized my true vocation. I think I would make a good nerd, really I think I have it in me. And they meet twice a week and I could bring my sweet baby girl there and discuss my latest comic strip. Now, I haven't actually wrote a comic, but I'm pretty sure its my destiny- seriously- next time you see me ask me about my comic strip.
We sure screwed over the Lummis...

oh the pain of...

Its freaking 1:30 in the morning and I'm still here in awake land. Josh is in Seattle probably being homeless for the night or something. I think I'm too afraid to sleep. I'm considering sleeping with the light on but will brave the darkness so as not to be wasteful. These things are important to me. so there. Leigh is in England thinking she came to Europe for the men. I think she'll have a good time once she gets used to things. Emily seems to be enjoying her party house. I'm glad Lin is in the next room, so he can hear me scream in the night. I locked the outside door when I came in tonight because I knew that Josh and Dale would probably not come home and Lin and Lynne were already here. But I felt too weird about locking it since its never locked and thought I would jinx it if i did. Sometimes I feel like my every thought and action is tainted. Is there hope for me? I guess so. If I should die before I wake, I have no idea what you should say at my funeral- does this mean I'm not ready? I haven't finished Harold and Maude yet. Eliot and Rosa are teaching me many things.
I thought my births were profound (and they were) and then I went to my sister's. Here she was, the little girl that cried and melted her hand on a curling iron and scratched the skin off my hand while throwing a fit- jump forward 15 years- I'm crawling on a hospital bed clutching her still scarred hand in mine, telling her its okay to dig into my skin this time, its okay to yell loud at me and the nurses and the man who wasn't there. Its okay to be afraid and in pain. Here she is in the biggest transition moment in her life and not only do I get to share it but I'm apart of it- moaning with her, breathing with her, birthing with her. wow. And we trade off. She knows I've been there and this gives her courage. I will never forget the look on her face- both during the dark moment of the soul and when they placed him bloody and shaking in her arms.

I have a big life. That cool seattle astrologer told the capricorns to be more creative and loving. That about sums it up.